Making friends in a new country is hard

Summary: finding new friends after moving to a different country is a skill that requires conscious effort.

I spent the last 20 months living in Zurich, working for Google. I learned three things during my stay in Switzerland: that I need frequent contact with close friends to stay happy; that maintaining relationships at a distance isn't nearly as nurturing as meeting friends in person; and finally, that it is hard to create new network of friends in a foreign country. 

At home, in Wrocław, I never had to consciously "create a social network". I have several friends there, mostly from high school, college, and work; then there are friends of those friends that I met. It was always more than I could possibly ask for, or maybe even handle.     

Living abroad, however, weakened these "original" relationships. They no longer nurtured me the way I wanted them to. Even frequent visits to Poland did not help much. So I realized I need to find new friends. Easier said than done! I did not create such a network of friends until now, and I was becoming a bit unhappy because of that.

I did meet a lot of new people through work - in fact, I probably shook hands with at least four hundred people, and I could easily name a hundred with whom I actually worked. I made a few good friends at Google, some in Switzerland, some in California which I visited a couple times. However, these relationships rarely extend beyond casual time together at work, when we meet for lunch or a coffee. I do not get connected to local society at all. A byproduct of spending lots of time with people from work is decreased motivation to learn the local language, since everyone at work speaks good English. 

I do not have the usual "hooks" into society, like school or friends of friends, because most Googlers here are expats just like I am. They have been living here not much longer than I have, and most still only know a few locals. 

On a typical day, I do not feel like going out and just meeting new people; I am not used to this, but even more importantly, I do not have much time or energy for that. Why? Well, working as product manager is a difficult, emotionally draining job; after work I need time for myself  - a lot of time! I rest, play, reflect, read and write. By the time I am ready to engage in social activities again, it is Sunday evening.

I talked about this with a few coworkers. They said they have the same difficulty; some also pointed out that there is something about Zurich and Switzerland in particular that makes socializing with locals harder - a closed culture. I do not know whether this is true; I have little comparison. 

I now consider creating a social life in a new city a skill - skill that requires planning and conscious effort. I will work to develop that skill, since I would like the freedom to live in many different countries during my lifetime. When deciding to come to Zurich for work two years ago, I simply did not think that I need to treat making local friends as a separate important project. A valuable experience.

Comments

[Daniel Rocha]

Jakub, great post. As a Brazilian that has been living and working in Google NYC for the past 3 years, I completely relate to what you wrote. The cultural differences make it very hard to make friends, specially when most of your time is spent working. After all the time I've been here, I've made some progress, but not much. Things haven't gotten easier, unfortunately.

[Jakub Petrykowski]

Thanks Daniel.

You said that cultural differences make it hard to make friends. Can you give a few examples of such differences that you or someone you know has experienced?

[Igor]

IMO it has nothing to do with a so called 'closed cultore'. I experienced the same in the Netherlands and... in just a different city in PL (so no cultural/language barriers).

There's a huge gap between having a casual small talk at the coffee stand and going out for a beer. Especially with people whom you have not met at work. So OK I met some guys at a gym or elsewhere but asking someone out was always well... pretty awkward. Definitely more naturals when dealing with girls, but with guys there was always this 'ekhm... r u into me or what?'.

[Jo]

Hey Jakub!

Dima K mentioned your blog to me recently and hence here I am :).

Totally relate to what you say in this post: it is a prevalent issue in post-college life, because you no longer can make friends as easily as you do back in those carefree days when you are a classmate/schoolmate/sports teammate with people around you. Once you enter the workforce/grad school, you tend to encounter people with "serious" obligations eg. married, family, kids etc, thus, you never seem to have opportunities to interact with them outside of regular working hours.

I think this occurs everywhere to everyone - cultural or language barrier merely introduce additional complexities. It's an ongoing challenge for me even living in an English-speaking country for so long :). But persistence is the key (and of course, it's always easier said than done...)!

I once read an article related to this: Developing social currency. Maybe you will find it relevant.
http://www.deandreaming.com/2009/10/building-a-network/

Love your writings, please keep it up! Will continue reading your achives and future posts. Also, please let Dima and I know if you are ever in the US in the future, we will always be happy to hang out with you, before, during or after work! :)

Take care,

[Jakub Petrykowski]

@Igor

Have you came up with some ways to make it easier then?

@Jo

I can see how people have less time which makes making new friends harder - this is very visible with friends from high school or university; we no longer spend that much time together. I do regret that sometimes.

Persistence is the last solution I like to apply, because there are other areas in life where I need lots of it - but I like the simple ruleset in the article you linked, thanks for that!

Definitely see you once I do my real sight seeing trip to the US. I'm thinking of going there next year, but we'll see!

[Igor]

Well... actually I did not. I treat it as a slow making-things-better process. I go out without mp3 player more often (this is a one serious interaction-killer!), engage more into conversations with people I meet on a day-to-day occasions. And somehow I am throwing a big party (shame that u won't be in Cracow) on saturday where I gonna have couple of ppl I met... at the gym.

Internet is also useful, so I've heard ;-)

[Jakub Petrykowski]

I found a very interesting summary of a discussion about friendships - some good questions & analysis. Worth reading!

http://svjunto.wikispaces.com/friendship